How you "Mother" is your deepest reflection of your values, Mama.

Your parenting style isn’t just a trend.

How many times has a well-meaning in-law asked you why you bedshare? Worse...do you even admit you bedshare to anyone?!

How often have you felt embarrassed that you are still breastfeeding your toddler?

Mom shaming happens even with those of good intentions.

It's real. "Mom-shaming" is a thing...even unintentionally from those we love and admire. It often comes from people with such good intentions, that simply just don't understand a "different" approach other than their own. And at other times, from other mamas who got caught up in pleasing their own mothers, read a pediatrician recommended book or aren't quite sure who they are themselves as they're navigating motherhood.

Part of your journey in "becoming" a Mama, is re-discovering, awakening and uncovering who you are evolving into as a woman AND a mother. It is an uncomfortable metamorphosis and one that is unique to just you, based off of your own lived experiences, your own upbringing, your own beliefs, values and hopes. It is based off of how you see yourself in relation to the world and what you believe about the world. (There is a lot there to unpack...so we can leave that for another post or a deeper dive 1:1 with me.) Bottom line, in your journey of becoming a mama and mothering your little one...YOU are the only one on the journey and therefore you are in the driver seat. Your choices, your body. (And trusting your choices, your beliefs, and your thoughts on mothering can be scary and leave you feeling all alone or different.)

Do you know your mothering values?

Often the choices we make as mothers are directly linked to what we value in life.

For example, independence, work ethic, collectivism, community, family, career, time, money, religion etc. are all examples of values that hold different weight for each of us. What is rooted at the foundation of one family, might not be at the foundation of another. And that is totally okay.

Often, before kids are in the picture, our values might not be as visible to others, maybe held more sacred between the two of you in your relationship, or only to yourself. Maybe it was where you volunteered, where you attended church or what foods you ate. No one from the outside really knew that part of your life because they didn't see it or maybe you never talked much about it. But when you become pregnant and embark on your more visible motherhood/parenting journey...your values become under a spotlight and suddenly you can't hide them as much anymore.

Here's the thing...if you can identify the "why" you are mothering the way you are, you might find yourself more confident in your decisions and less likely to second-guess yourself. You might feel less defensive when asked "why do you...?" and instead be able to respectfully reply, "because it is important to me" without the need to provide any further explanation.

Your values are yours. What you believe about the world and your part in it and how you want your child to be a part of the world...is yours. 

How to better understand your mothering values.

So here's the exercise... 

1. Write down a list of your mothering choices that have been questioned or not supported by others.  For example: (make this applicable to where you are in your motherhood journey) Pregnancy: your birth plan, drinking coffee/wine etc. Early motherhood: how you soothe your baby (cry-it-out, pacifier, nursing, holding etc.), to how they nap (with or without you), where they sleep, how often you hold them or put them down, what you feed them etc. Toddler years: how you discipline them, extended breastfeeding, screen time etc.

2. Then, next to it, write down why that choice is/was important to you. (And if your answer is, "research said...", ask yourself...why that was so important to you.) 

3. Then, dig deeper...and ask yourself "why" again. For example, "why is feeling physically close to my baby so important to me?" 

4. Then, a little more...ask yourself what you want your baby/child to know about themselves/the world through this choice you made. 

5. Then, try and identify the value that is behind your hope/dream for your child and the world you live in. Here is a website with a pretty comprehensive list of values to help you if you feel stuck identifying your values!

Once you've identified your values that underpin your beautiful mothering choices, you can begin to stand more steadfast in them. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to "why" you value what you value in life. It is ok (and in fact desired!), to live in community with other people that value life differently. Remember, that when someone doesn't agree with your choice, that is on them. That is not for you to carry. You are not wrong because they do not understand or agree. You are simply different. And that is something to own, Mama.