How to Help my Partner Bond with Our Baby
A man experiences becoming a father too, “patrescence” and this change can feel overwhelming for him too.
It’s Father’s Day and there are so many reasons to celebrate a Father, yet one of the most profound and under-looked one, is simply to honor his own transition from man to father, aka his patrescence.
What is patrescence?
Sure, he didn’t go through pregnancy, experience all the hormones and changing body, nor did he give birth, but whoa…his life has turned upside down too, leaving him feeling all the feelings, no doubt.
His relationship with you has changed, he feels intense pressure to financially provide, he’s sleep deprived, unsure of how to help and feeling massively overwhelmed by this whole new experience. While his experience is different than yours, Mama, you both can relate in some new ways, for sure. But seeing your partner struggle to find his footing since “becoming Dad” can be hard to watch, let alone put pressure on you, Mama, to “fix it” or hold space for him too, as he waffles in his own emotions and process. (Ugh, another post altogether.) Here are a couple points to keep in mind and tips to help you let go of the reigns and show confidence in your partner, that yes, this is super hard, AND he can do hard things. He can do this. He can be Dad and bond with his baby.
First of all and most important for the birthing parent and otherwise, is to remember that bonding takes time.
Helping my partner bond with our baby.
We used to think it had to be instant, like love at first sight, but we now know that attachment takes place over time. So rest assured, if you or your partner is struggling to feel that deep sense of connection with your newborn right off the bat, it’s common.
And there’s things you can do to support in its evolution! (Try reading the rest of this blog solo, Mama, then if your partner is interested in knowing more about his own “patrescence” and things he can do to support himself in bonding with his baby…he can read this too (as I wrote is for him!) Otherwise, take these tid-bits, useful for you as Mama, and apply them to your partner in support of his transition into fatherhood.)
Tips for Dad to bond with his baby.
Dad, this is for you:
1. Practice compassion for yourself. You’ve just gone through some huge changes in your life. There’s a new human in your home and your relationship to your partner looks more different than it ever has before. You’re sleep deprived and reactive to the littlest sounds. This is a time of transition in who you were as a man/husband/partner to that of father. It’s going to take some time to adjust to this new normal. You’ve got societal expectations as a father and a fierce, almost primal, sense to protect and provide for your family, so your bond might look a bit different at first as you find what works the best for you. Mothers and fathers bond differently. It’s not wrong or bad; just different.
2. Don’t underestimate the importance of snuggles. Get in those opportunities for skin-to-skin and snuggle, snuggle, snuggle. It’s your smell to your touch that will become so reassuring over time. And for you, while it might feel like a huge responsibility to hold and nurture your newborn (ah! How do I hold them? Why are they still crying? Will I drop them?) you’ll feel more confident over time as the snuggles become second nature for you too. Look in their eyes, sing to them and echo their sounds. Slowly, you’ll be develop a more intense feeling of belonging.
2. Take any opportunity to feed your baby or help them settle to sleep. Attachment comes overtime as you help to create the environment and stability the baby learns to see as their home. Take steps throughout the day to share in the daily tasks of newborn care as not only a way of building that bond, but also in supporting your partner to heal and rest themselves. And the night shift can also be another opportunity for bonding with your baby. Remember, babies cry. It isn’t a reflection of you and your ability as a father. It’s just new to everyone and a newborn biologically is designed to tug for mama.
3. Talk to your baby and about your baby. While your baby can’t necessarily understand what you’re saying, you’re creating stories, narrating their experience and interacting with them in a way that will benefit them years down the road. They’re beginning to know your voice and your intention in your tone. Communication between a child and parent begins right away! And talking about your baby to your partner or friends and family can often help you feel more bonded to your baby too. You might surprise yourself by how much you already know about parenting or their little personality. You might even start gushing!
How can I support my partner in breastfeeding or feeding the baby? I feel so helpless…
It’s common for a father or non-biological parent to feel inadequate or helpless when it comes to feeding their newborn baby. They don’t have the breast! But no need to give up all hope because so much of the baby’s feeding routing comes after the actual nursing! It’s in the burping, settling, soothing and cleaning. That’s a great role for Dad or the other parent. They can hold them and comfort them saying things like, “I’m so glad you’ve got a full tummy now. I bet that was yummy!”. And if mama is pumping, there’s another great opportunity to physically share in the feeding. Take turns bottle-feeding and turn these moments into cuddles.
Just remember…
When you become a parent, your world flips upside down. In all of life’s transitions, there is grief and so many other unexpected feelings! No matter how much we prepare to become parents, so much of it is just an initiation! Try to remember that parenting comes in seasons. The early months postpartum are typically more geared towards mother and baby, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a role too. And know this, your season of being “the one” will come. In the meantime, remember attachment takes time, looks different for everyone of us and keep trying. Don’t give up! (But do take space for yourself if it becomes too overwhelming or makes you feel upset, angry or mad. And seek help from a mental health professional if you feel it’s becoming too much. There’s nothing wrong with you!)
I’m feeling jealous of my partner and her relationship to our baby…
Some fathers might also experience jealousy as they fear they won’t have the attachment like the mother does. That’s a sound and realistic expectation! The bond is going to look different; you might even have very different parenting philosophies that need to be discussed and compromised over time! Difference in parenting and how we bond is normal. Try not to compare your bond or how you connect to one another as that won’t help your relationship either. Instead, acknowledge your relationship to your baby will uniquely be your own and focus on what you can do to bond over what you can’t do.
I miss my partner and our “old life” pre-baby…
So many complex and unexpected feelings come up during pregnancy and postpartum for both parents! Even if this is your second child, it’s still a huge change and time of transition for both of you. Not only are you going from man/husband/partner to father, but your relationship with your partner is forever changing. It’s no longer just the two of you. And there is grief in this change! It’s normal to miss your old life or the times when life was simpler and just “your own”. Talk about these big changes with your partner instead of pushing them away. Chances are, you’re both feeling the loss at times and you can bond with one another over it. Just because you miss your old life, pre-baby, doesn’t mean you love your baby any less, by the way. And you aren’t alone in experiencing “dissatisfaction” in your relationship since becoming new parents. Did you know that 60-70% of new parents report some sort of dissatisfaction in the first early months and even years? Hold on to the hope that it will change and get some couples therapy if needed.
Look Dad, no matter what you are feeling, chances are it’s normal. No change in life is “easy”…let alone this one. You deserve a chance to process this change for yourself also, just like Mama does. So find yourself a good friend you trust, another Dad, and wait for it…be vulnerable. Open up about this new time of your life and know this…YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
