How to Talk to Your Partner About Matrescence

(And Why It Might Be the Beginning of a Bigger Conversation)

Explaining matrescence to your partner.

One of the questions I'm asked most often after someone learns about matrescence is this:

"How do I explain this to my partner?"

Usually, the question comes after a moment of profound relief.

For perhaps the first time since becoming a mother, there is language for something she has felt all along. The changes she couldn't quite explain. The feeling that she isn't the same person she was before having children. The tension of deeply loving her family while simultaneously wondering what happened to the woman she used to be.

She finally has a word.

And naturally, she wants to share it with the person she loves most.

She hopes that if her partner understands matrescence, perhaps they'll understand her a little better too.

I hope they do.

But I also want to offer something that may be even more valuable.

Rather than trying to help your partner fully understand your experience, perhaps the invitation is to begin understanding what is happening to both of you.

What is matrescence?

The term matrescence was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and later expanded through the work of psychologist Dr. Aurelie Athan. Much like adolescence describes the developmental transition from child to adult, matrescence describes the profound developmental transition into motherhood.

Yet unlike adolescence, matrescence has remained largely absent from public conversation.

Most of us are taught how to prepare for labor, birth, breastfeeding, and newborn sleep. We may even be told about postpartum depression or anxiety. But very few of us are taught that motherhood itself is a developmental process—that becoming a mother changes who we are.

And that transformation reaches far beyond learning how to care for a baby.

Matrescence can reshape our identity, relationships, priorities, values, careers, emotional lives, and sense of purpose. It asks us to reconsider how we spend our time, who we want to be, what matters most, and how we make meaning of our lives.

Importantly, matrescence is increasingly understood as a lifelong developmental process, not simply something that occurs during pregnancy or the first year postpartum. As our children grow and move through new developmental stages, motherhood continues to invite our own growth and development. We aren't simply becoming mothers once.

We are continually becoming—and being—mothers throughout our lives.

As our children develop, so do we.

For many women, learning this is incredibly validating. It shifts the question from, "What's wrong with me?" to "Why didn't anyone tell me this was a normal part of becoming a mother?"

But parenthood doesn't transform only mothers.

While matrescence specifically describes the developmental transition into motherhood, it doesn't happen in isolation.

When a child is born, a family is born.

You aren't simply becoming parents.

You are also becoming a mother and a father (or second parent), each undergoing your own developmental transition while learning how to navigate parenthood together.

The transition into fatherhood is often referred to as patrescence. Although it has received far less attention in both research and popular culture, the concept recognizes something equally important: fathers don't simply learn new parenting skills. They, too, are developing. Their identities, relationships, priorities, responsibilities, and understanding of themselves are evolving as they grow into fatherhood.

That doesn't mean matrescence and patrescence are identical.

For many mothers, the transition into parenthood is uniquely shaped by pregnancy, birth, postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, and the powerful cultural expectations placed upon motherhood. Fathers often encounter different developmental tasks and societal expectations as they navigate work, caregiving, partnership, and fatherhood.

Different experiences.

Different expectations.

The same reality.

Both partners are becoming.

Perhaps this is one of the most overlooked aspects of early parenthood. Couples often believe they're simply learning how to raise a child. In reality, they're also learning how to become entirely new versions of themselves while figuring out how to remain connected to one another.

So...how do you talk to your partner about matrescence?

My encouragement is this:

Don't feel like you have to explain everything.

Your goal isn't to convince your partner that you've changed.

Development changes us. That part doesn't require defending.

Instead, invite them into your experience with curiosity rather than expecting complete understanding.

You might say something like:

"I've been learning about something called matrescence. It's the developmental transition into (and throughout) motherhood, and it's helping me understand why I feel so different since becoming a parent. I'm realizing this isn't about me becoming a different person overnight—I'm moving through a developmental process. I don't expect you to have all the answers. I just wanted to share something that has helped me better understand myself."

Sometimes, that conversation alone can be incredibly meaningful.

Language often creates compassion.

But I'd also offer this:

I don't think that conversation should be the last one.

Matrescence explains what is happening. It doesn't fully explain why.

Learning about matrescence can be profoundly validating because it gives us language for our developmental transition into motherhood.

But over time, many mothers find themselves asking another question:

If this is a normal developmental process...why does it feel so incredibly heavy?

To answer that question, we have to zoom out.

Because mothers don't develop in a vacuum.

Neither do fathers.

We both develop within a culture. (After all, “context matters”.)

Every mother experiences matrescence within a society that carries powerful ideas about what a "good mother" should look like, how much she should sacrifice, who should carry the responsibility for caregiving, what family life should look like, and whose needs should come first.

Fathers, too, inherit expectations—often around provision, work, emotional expression, and what it means to be a "good father."

These cultural messages don't simply influence what parents do.

They shape who parents believe they need to become.

This is where the mental load enters the conversation.

The mental load is often described as the invisible planning, organizing, remembering, anticipating, and managing that keeps family life running.

And while that is certainly part of it, I believe it runs much deeper.

The heaviest part of the mental load isn't remembering the dentist appointment or packing tomorrow's lunch.

It's carrying the invisible belief that you are ultimately responsible for everyone else's well-being.

The mental load is less about what you do and much more about who you believe you are supposed to BE.

That if the children are struggling...

If birthdays aren't magical enough...

If dinner isn't healthy enough...

If the family feels disconnected...

Somehow, you've failed. You aren’t enough. That is about WHO you are…not just about what you did/didn’t do.

This is why conversations about the mental load are rarely just about dividing chores. They are conversations about identity, worth, responsibility, and the stories we've inherited about what it means to be a "good" mother, a "good" father, and a "good" family.

Perhaps this is the next conversation.

If you've already shared the concept of matrescence with your partner, perhaps the next conversation isn't simply about how you've changed.

Perhaps it's about the world in which you've both been asked to become parents.

The expectations you've inherited.

The identities you're each developing.

The mental load you've learned to carry.

The invisible standards you've both absorbed.

And the family culture you hope to create together moving forward.

When couples begin to recognize that they are both developing—not just parenting—something shifts.

Instead of asking,

"Why have you changed?"

they begin asking,

"Who are we each becoming?"

And instead of trying to recreate the relationship they had before children, they begin intentionally building one that reflects the people they are becoming now.

From understanding to reimagining

This is exactly why I created the CARE & HOLD Model.

Matrescence gives us language for the developmental process of becoming and continually being a mother. CARE & HOLD expands that conversation by exploring the conditions in which that development unfolds—our identities, relationships, cultural expectations, invisible labor, the mental load, and the family systems we create together.

Because understanding ourselves is only the beginning.

Transformation happens when we also begin to understand the world that shaped us—and intentionally choose what we want to carry forward.

The goal isn't to return to who you were before becoming parents.

It's to thoughtfully become who you are growing into.

Together.

Ready to continue the conversation?

If this article resonated with you, I invite you to download my free CARE & HOLD Guide, where we explore why the mental load isn't just about labor—it's about identity—and how individuals/couples can begin creating a more connected, intentional family culture together…or at least reimagine who they are within it.

If this blog hit home for you, then I invite you to take the Becoming Mama program, self-paced. If you want to explore your matrescence and better understand WHY Motherhood feels so hard (hint- it isn’t YOU), then this educational and supportive program is FOR YOU!

And if you are a professional that supports Mothers - Mothers NEED this education. Learn more about The Matricentric Way training here.