How Emotionally Available are You?
We all want to show up for our kids, but sometimes it’s just TOO much.
Tapped out. Touched out. Mom rage.
Are you tired of being physically present but emotionally unavailable?
This is very common…the feelings of being needed ALL the time, touched all the time…it wears on you. It leaves you cold, snappy and emotionally disconnected, not just from your children…but also from yourself.
Have you ever found yourself trying so hard to be present and engaged with your child(ren), sitting on the floor, pretending to play with them, only to be thinking about a couple of emails you want to follow up on or the dishes in the sink or counting down the minutes until your partner gets home?
Have you found yourself scrolling aimlessly through TikTok while your little one plays… “Mama. Mama.” you hear, but it sounds so distant, so you keep scrolling.
Or maybe you finally get home from a long day at the office and you feel so pulled; part of you wants to sit and play with your child(ren) because you haven’t seen them all day yet this other part of you desperately wants to decompress from a full day of meetings and screens. You choose to play (because that is what a “good mom” would do) but you aren’t at all engaged.
However it plays out for you, the feeling of not being present with our children is one we know all too well. It often brings up guilt when mothers talk about it…
The guilt that comes from feeling tapped out/touched out is part of the intensive mothering ideology.
This notion that a mother…
Is the only one who can best care for her children.
She should do it 24/7
She should always put her childrens needs above her own
She must turn to the experts for instruction.
She must be fully satisfied, fulfilled, completed and composed in motherhood.
She must lavish excessive amounts of time, energy and money in the rearing of her children.
This is what makes a “good” mother. These are the standards she has to live by to feel like she is “good enough” for her role and her children.
Even if you don’t see yourself 100% in this, it is still the motherhood you are mothering in; this is the expectation of mothers these days. So while you might not be like…”Yes, this is totally me!’, the pressure to be and do all these things is still there, nagging in the background. It influences ALL of us, no matter how much we want to admit it.
So if we are present with our children, but not emotionally available to them…well then, we aren’t fulfilling these expectations; we aren’t doing all we can. We should have more to give and even do so with a grateful and eager heart.
According to this ideology, it isn’t enough to be present with our children. No no. We feel a deep need to be engaged with them 24/7. To nurture and attend to their every physical need and ensure we are attuned to their emotional well-being as well. Surely, a distracted mom can’t do those things.
But can anyone? Is this really a fair and just expectation placed on mothers?
Can anyone be EVERYTHING to one person?
Nope. It’s impossible.
The tapped out-ness, the feeling so touched out you want out of your own skin… is a warning sign that you have a need you aren’t addressing…indeed you have sacrificed yourself for the perceived benefit for your child(ren).
Becoming emotionally available to our children is the goal. YES. Do we want to be present with them? No question. Do we want to enjoy those moments? 100%.
Can we do it all the time, 24/7? No way. Should we keep trying (to the point that it leads to mom rage, resentment and complete burn out)? NOPE. Please don’t.
First of all, process the guilt that comes from feeling either a) like a distracted mom or b) for taking time for yourself. And If it’s gotten to a place of resentment for you either in your relationship with your partner or towards anyone really, including moments of resenting being a mother (remember…you aren’t a BAD mom, it is just a BIG red flag signifying that you don’t have enough support)...download these FREE workbooks.
What can we do to help this emotional burnout?
Remember this…
All parents wonder “How much time do I need to spend with my kids to help them feel secure and loved?”...
The answer is GOOD. Sigh a deep breath and reread this as often as you need too.
Research says it is 5-15 minutes a day. Yep, that’s it. It really is about QUALITY over quantity. (The opposite of what intensive mothering makes you believe.)
And it’s about consistency and reliability…knowing they can count on you; you’ll be there when you said. Think of it like a connection fostering routine.
And here’s another bonus? It doesn’t have to be anything special. Kids just want time with you; they really don’t care what the activity is. (I can vouch for this from my years of counseling adolescents; whoa…they just want time with mom and dad. They really don’t care about what it is they do with you.)
“Jeanette Betancourt, senior vice president of community and family engagement at Sesame Workshop, emphasized that relating time starts with the everyday caretaking moments that do not require any extra time. Brushing hair, getting dressed, eating meals, tucking kids into bed at night all provide a wonderful platform to relate to your child.” (Motherly article)
Chances are you are already doing these things! So the fun part becomes making them a bit more intentional: finding ways of connecting with your child in the process of these daily tasks that makes for moments of togetherness. It’s asking about their day, telling them about yours, giving them a hug, telling a couple jokes.
“Annie Pleshette Murphy, parenting expert, family therapist, and former editor in chief of Parents magazine, calls the first few minutes of every reconnection point with your child “the relationship savers.” These are moments such as the first thing in the morning, the first few minutes you reconnect with your children after school and before dinner, and when you get home from work.” (Motherly article)
If you knew that all your child needed from you was 5-15 minutes a day to know how much you loved them…to know how much you cared…
How might that change the way you show up emotionally for them? Might you be able to be both physically and emotionally present with them?
The goal is to light up when you see your child.
Isn’t that what you want too? Isn't that the relationship you crave with your child also? And what kid doesn’t want to feel like they just stopped the world when their mother sees them? It’s a win-win.
So how can you change up your current routine to include a bit more connection building? How can you sprinkle in some snuggles, giggles and joy when you’re getting ready in the morning or driving in the car?
And then…how can you let them play…alone, while you tend to yourself?
Now that’s the bigger question, isn’t it? (I’m sure there are a bunch of uncomfortable feelings coming to the surface with this…gentle reminder that this is a process; undoing the intensive mothering mindset takes intention, energy and commitment and at times, accountability.)
For that…I invite you to join my Becoming Mama program.
In the meantime, curious about your emotional availability for your child(ren)? Take my FREE quiz: “How emotionally available are you for your children?” and get results to help you foster more presence and less overwhelm.
